Episode 14: The Ring Theory
Ever heard the words “support system” and wondered, how does that actually work in real life? In today’s episode the sisters unpack one such structure called the ring theory. Originally put forward by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman in the LA Times, the ring theory has an idea for how we can dump support IN towards the suffering person and dump stress OUT and away from them.
SHOW NOTES
Sources and Further Reading:
The Ring Theory in the LA Times (no paywall)
Jen Hatmaker’s podcast “For the Love”
Jen Hatmaker’s blog article about the ring theory
Pantsuit Politics podcast (they discussed the ring theory on an episode but I can’t ascertain which one)
TRANSCRIPT
Kayla 0:09
You're listening to the My Sister’s Cancer podcast. I'm Kayla Crum, registered nurse and writer.
Ella 0:15
And I'm Ella Beckett, social worker and cancer survivor.
Kayla 0:20
We're sisters on a mission to care for the cancer community through the sharing of real life stories, a sprinkle of sass, and lots of support.
Ella 0:28
Join us in a new kind of pity party. It's a pity so many of us carry the heavy burden of cancer alone. So let's make it a party and carry it together.
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Kayla 0:42
Welcome back to the My Sister's Cancer podcast. I'm your co-host Kayla Crum, here with my sister Ella Beckett. Today marks our first episode of the autumn season. So as you're listening to this, we've just inched our way into September, and we are going to shift our focus from the diagnosis of cancer to the treatment of cancer. So if you've been listening along, you might feel like we've already covered some of the treatment aspects and you would be right. But as we move into this new season outside and consider how nature starts getting ready for winter - the leaves start to fall from the trees, plants start to die off - we're also moving into that season of cancer treatment that can be an indeterminate length, and it's a season of dying of various parts of your body, sometimes sort of the dampening of your spirit while you go through these trials, and it just seems to fit the mood outside as well. If you're listening in a place in the northern hemisphere that has four seasons, of course. We happen to live in Michigan where that is very true. So today the topic that we're going to discuss is called the Ring Theory, and really gets to how a support system can be assembled around somebody with cancer or really any type of crisis; how to continue to support that person who's at the center of it without everybody burning out trying to support everyone around them. So I first heard of the Ring Theory from Jen Hatmaker, who is a Christian author/speaker/podcaster. You might have heard of her podcast “For the Love” where she interviews a lot of different guests on various topics. But years ago, her - I can't remember if it was her mom or her dad, I apologize - but one of them had cancer, and she had posted a blog article about how one of her community members talked about this Ring Theory. And the concept is, the person experiencing cancer is that - they're at the center of concentric rings. So picture a dot in the middle, and for us, that's Ella or the person going through the crisis. And then there's a ring immediately outside that that is the next closest kin, usually a caregiver, like a partner, a parent, whoever is living with that person or providing most of the care and support. So in Ella's case, that would be our parents when she was going through this as a college kid. And the next ring is like family members that are close but don't live with you and care for you. So in Ella's case, that would have been me as her only sibling. And then you go out farther from there. So my husband would have probably been the next ring out and then after that would be close friends and our extended family members like aunts, uncles, cousins. And then you get farther out and it's like people you know from church and school and work but aren't close to and it kind of expands from there. And the concept is that you can dump support and care and love in towards the middle, and you can dump stress and venting out towards the outer rings, but you don't do the opposite. So the idea is that the person in the middle only ever gets support, love, care, and doesn't have to bear the burden of the people on the outer rings. So we'll expand on this if that sounded a little confusing. I found it super helpful as Ella's sister because I felt myself pulled in a lot of directions. I was close enough to the crisis where it affected my daily life, and yet I was far enough from Ella, didn't live with her, to where a lot of people in the outer rings would ask me for updates or go through me to get a feel for how they could be helpful. So I felt the pull of these rings in both directions. So reading about this ring theory was helpful for me to realize, like, okay, I'm definitely dumping in support and love towards my parents and sister in the middle circles, but I could do a better job of turning around and dumping some of my stress out and asking for help from some of the outer rings. So looking back, there's way more opportunity that I had to dump some of that out than I took. And I wish I had asked for help sooner and been more vulnerable with my needs. But my husband couldn't do it all and so we should have looked to Outer Rings beyond him too. Friends, extended family, different ways they could have supported us, even if it was like dinner once a month where we can just unload about what's hard, or laundry because we're visiting the hospital so much. So it was a helpful framework for me, but unfortunately, I mostly learned of this in retrospect and don't feel like I utilized it at all, really, during the time of the crisis. Before we move on, I do just want to mention that although I learned of the ring theory from Jen Hatmaker - and we'll put her blog post in the show notes - I'll also put the original article, which is from the Los Angeles Times back in 2013, titled “How Not to Say the Wrong Thing.” And there's a helpful little graphic there where they show the rings that I'm describing. It was a psychologist, I guess, who had breast cancer and sort of came up with this concept based on her experience. So this is something I've thought about a lot, but when we sat down to make the podcast, I was like, I don't really think Ella and I have talked a ton about this. So I'm just curious, Ella, if it felt like you were in the center of rings of support, or if you gave any thought to kind of the hierarchy or structure of support around you, or if you were just in such a vortex that it kind of all felt like chaos.
Ella 5:52
So before I answer your question, I do want to give just a little disclaimer that right now it is thunderstorming like crazy where I am at recording in my home. So if you ever hear a little rumble or something, that is probably just the thunder in the background. But to answer your question, I wasn't really familiar with this framework, like calling it the ring theory or the idea of pouring that support in and then the other rings dumping outward, like your stress and everything like that. But after talking a little bit more with you about it and reading the article that you were referring to, honestly, it can be hard to be that person in the middle too, because something that I really struggled with was feeling everyone's pity for me and everyone's sadness for me. And it's also just somewhat humiliating at times, like needing that much support. I was so grateful to have those different rings of people in my life and so many people pouring into me. But it was honestly difficult at times because it's very humbling to need that much help with everything and to need that much support when you're going through something like a cancer journey. And so, I don't know, as you were saying, that support pouring in - it's like yes, a lot of times it did feel like support, but sometimes there was traces of pity and sadness, and it's not a good feeling to be at the root of other people's dark cloud bummer-selves, you know what I'm saying?
Kayla 8:07
I wonder if that had more to do with the quality of what was being poured in toward you or with what it actually feels like to sit in the middle, you know what I mean? I wonder how that would vary for people's experiences. They did talk about this concept once on one of my favorite podcasts, Pantsuit Politics, and there was a community discussion afterward, and I had never thought of this, but maybe this will ring true to you, Ella. They were saying that people who have been the center sometimes actually want to pour out into the outer rings because it makes them feel like a person again to be able to negate some of that pity and support other people and feel like they're a contributing member of society. So something that came to my mind was how you did your paintings, Ella. I don't know if we've mentioned this before, but Ella has always been kind of artsy, and she took commissions when she was sick with cancer and did things like home decor and Bible verses and stuff like that for people's walls. So I feel like that was a way that you were pouring back out instead of just receiving support in.
Ella 9:13
And as you're saying that back to me, I'm like, that sounds - I don't know, it sounds a little like, “Oh, it's just so hard to accept all this incredible support from all these people.” As you're saying that back to me, I'm like, I don't know.
Kayla 9:30
No, I appreciate you being honest. I feel like metaphors like this one exist to help us put language around how we feel. Right. Because emotions don't really have words. And so something that's helpful for me isn't always helpful for another person. And I can't say that I've really been at the center of a crisis to know how you feel. The closest I've come is probably - I had some weird stomach ulcer situation as a high schooler, but it basically lasted for, like, one weekend, and so I could withstand all those rings pouring into me for like, three days, because then I just got to go back to my normal carefree life. So I can see truth in what you're saying. It would be hard to - it's almost like it took away some of your autonomy or that adulthood you were just trying to grab hold of for the first time, to just be at the center and not have any responsibilities.
Ella 10:20
Yeah, I think that's exactly right. And I think what you were saying earlier too, I'm the kind of person that really does like looking out for other people and trying to support the people in my life that are going through things or just being present for other people in their lives. And I think that was something that I really struggled with. I also think the piece of the dumping the stress out to the surrounding circles - I think we've touched on this briefly in the past, but when you're the person in the center, at least in my experience, it felt like people were kind of tiptoeing around me and didn't even want to bring up their normal, everyday stressors. Because it's just like, oh, I don't know if she could handle that right now. She's going through a lot, and it's like, sometimes I just wanted people to vent to me because that's part of the normal human experience. And then when you just like, people don't feel comfortable doing that to you anymore, it makes your relationships feel different and stilted.
Kayla 11:31
Yeah, I think that as I reread the article that originally proposed this ring theory before we recorded, I noticed that they were specifically talking about complaining related to the crisis. So, like, I shouldn't complain to inner circles about the strain that those circles are putting on me. Right. So, like, Mom, Dad, you - it would be unkind for me to be like, oh, I just can't handle this. It's so hard in my day-to-day life, knowing you're going and getting chemo when you're the one literally getting chemo. But I could express that to someone in the outer ring, like my husband and friends and family. But on the flip side, I could come to you guys and be like, oh, my gosh, my washing machine broke, or something. But I do think that's tricky, because, like we talked about in our superficiality episode, sometimes those regular, everyday complaints start to feel pretty trite. Yeah, like when someone's like, oh, my gosh, my hair is the worst today. That's the example we gave on that episode. And that can be hurtful. So it probably sounds like we're talking out of both sides of our mouths, which we are. It's so hard to know when to say what, right?
Ella 12:48
Like we always say, two things can be true. Yes, it can feel superficial, but sometimes it's nice to just be vented to.
Kayla 13:01
One thing I want to pull out, too, is that you definitely need to have boundaries during a crisis. And by crisis, I mean, like, it can extend long. Cancer can be a crisis that literally lasts years. So that's tricky. And that's why you do need to have boundaries. I think that when I think about the ring theory, too… You know, you were in the middle, and I was experiencing people closer to the crisis and people farther from the crisis. Like, I was sandwiched in the rings, right? So I've had people who unload on me how hard it is on them that you have cancer. It's like, she's my sister, you know, like, I don't need to hear from you how hard it is on you. That sounds really harsh. It's like, of course I want people to empathize and say, like, oh, it breaks my heart to hear about your sister. Or even if people get tearful with me, I respect how deeply they're moved by it, but I don't need them to come to me for comfort, support, et cetera, and for them to voice some of their fears, like, oh, do you think she's going to make it? Like, things like that. Or I just lie in bed and think about how much she's suffering. It's like, same, I don't need to hear that from an outer ring when I'm closer to the person who's having the crisis. The other thing is, it's so hard to navigate because I don't think most of us are very good at boundaries, even in normal life. So, like, in those situations, what I didn't do, which I could have, is lay a boundary down of, like, you know, I appreciate how much you love my sister, but I'm pouring all my emotional energy in towards my sister right now. And I can't also be comforting you. So, like, we can't have this type of conversation again. And if your relationship is strong or whatever, that type of conversation can be had in that situation. But it's tricky. I do remember having difficulty also with people who complained to me a lot about regular life stuff, especially when I was in college. I had some friends who would come to me over and over about the same boyfriend or the same homework issues. And it's like I did not have the bandwidth to deal with that. So I sort of think about that with the ring theory too. Like I needed to say to them, hey, I'm pouring everything in towards my sister. I care about you, but I really can't support you through this everyday or every weekend. You know what I mean? So the ring theory just helped me visualize that and put language around it in a way that I think during the time would have been helpful to me, because I didn't know a way to tell people, “I can't handle this right now” without just losing it like that. But having that language, that's what this metaphor does for me, is to say, “I am dumping in, so I can't support out right now.” And you don't need to say, “so, have you heard of the ring theory?” But the fact that I could just express where my energy is going and how I can't go in these other directions would have been really helpful to me at the time.
Ella 16:15
Yeah, I think that's really helpful to pull out the piece about boundaries. And I think what you were saying is so true. Like, cancer aside, I think it's so hard to lay those boundaries in relationships. But especially, I think, the relationships, like our closest relationships in our life, I feel like sometimes it's even harder to have those boundaries. And then, yeah, you're thrown into something like cancer or a variety of any other difficult things that you try to navigate with your people, and it's like those boundaries become that much more important. Like you were saying. So, Kayla, because you found this framework helpful and because you've given this a lot more thought than I have, I'm curious to know if there were people in your rings that surprised you at all.
Kayla 17:09
Yeah, so I think listening to this concept, you would be able to draw it on a piece of paper and think you know exactly who's in all those rings: your closest friends, and then your kind of less-close friends, and things like that. But both times you had cancer, I was surprised, sort of, by who showed up and who didn't. Like, some people that you kind of thought had your back or whatever can fall off the face of the earth. Um, not necessarily for a bad reason. I think for some people, they have too much going on in their own life, even, like, their own crisis happening. It's hard when, like, multiple people have crises. Right. And then, like, how do you manage the rings then? Some people just aren't super comfortable talking about hard things and so… just didn't get a lot of support from - like you might not have known a friend in the context of a hard situation and then they kind of back off once something hard happens. But then there's people who you kind of casually know at work or haven't talked to in a long time and then they are super supportive and text you and check in and I don't know, I just found it interesting. I had to be open-minded about who was there to support me and definitely accept whatever came my way and not be like, oh well, this is weird because I don't actually know her very well. Sometimes the people that don't know you quite as well, I think, have a little more to give in a weird way because there's just like, less history, less tangles there and sometimes they can just more easily be like, I don't know, listen to you. Because they don't know all the people involved, and they can just be, like, a safe third party to unload to, or they can just be like, oh, hey, I got you a DoorDash gift card, because they're like your coworker. And that's just, like, easy for them to do. Whereas, like, somebody who's closer to it, working through their own emotional baggage and closer to you, sometimes it's harder for them to get to that action piece or that support piece. So, yeah, I think of them as, like, surprise supporters. I was just a little surprised at who was in what ring and how that ended up shaking out during that time. Yeah. And I'm sure I've been that person in both scenarios for other people where they're like, wow, I thought she'd be more supportive, or, oh, wow, she was so supportive. And I didn't expect that. So I'm not saying that to condemn anybody. I just think it's always surprising when you end up in a crisis, who's there and who's not, and I try to keep a soft heart about it and not like, hold that against people and be open to the people that currently have the emotional energy to help.
Ella 20:21
No, I resonated a lot with what you were saying. I definitely experienced that, the surprise supporters, and then, honestly, some disappointment. I mean, I think what you were saying at the end was really great. Like, just kind of having an open heart and open hands to whatever support came your way. And then I really just tried to mindfully not keep score, so to speak, or - I tried to have open expectations, too, of people. And I don't think people always know what you need, especially when you have cancer. But even just in general life, your friends, the people in your life are not always going to know how to support you. And so I can't hold these expectations in my mind of what they should do, and if I don't communicate that to people, they don't know. I think I - especially the first time around, I think I kind of kept score in my brain and was a lot more disappointed by the people who didn't show up. But then I like to think that the second time around, I had a lot more grace for the people that maybe just didn't know how or didn't the first time, but then tried their best the second. I just think grace upon grace because we're all just trying to do our best, I like to believe.
Kayla 21:58
Yeah. And it brings it back to the boundaries thing, like you said about: if I don't communicate what I need, they don't know. I think with some of your closer people, there is a right time or place to say, hey, I've been feeling kind of unsupported by you, and I was wanting to talk to you about that. I could use more… just your presence, or I could use a text once in a while, like, I'm feeling disappointed. Like, to a sibling or like a best friend. I feel like a deep relationship, as you're going through this long journey of cancer or whatever your crisis is, like, if it's a longer thing and you're kind of feeling like someone's letting you down, those close people, it is fair to communicate what you need or explore what's going on there. And you might be surprised. They might say like, well, I felt shut out of your experience. Or I feel like you're sending me signals to leave you alone. You never know how people are interpreting it.
Ella 23:05
For those of you listening along today, we would love to hear if any of you have heard of the ring theory, if you've found it helpful for a crisis in your life. We would just love to hear your thoughts about it and about anything that we had to say today. So you can head over to My Sister's Cancer on Instagram. You can find us at mysisterscancer.co. We always love to hear from you and your thoughts on what we talk about. Next week, we're going to be discussing a trickier part that comes with treatment, and that is the vast array of side effects that the treatment can cause. So we're going to be digging into that a little bit together and just discussing, from my experience, but also more generally, what the side effects of cancer treatment can look like. Until then, we hope that you have a great rest of your week and we'll see you next time.