Episode 7: Life Isn’t Fair
Growing up the sisters were a bit obsessed with keeping things fair. In this episode they unpack why they ever felt entitled to fairness in the first place, and how it feels now that cancer has made life perpetually unfair.
SHOW NOTES
Sources and Further Reading (in no particular order):
TRANSCRIPT
Kayla 0:09
You're listening to the My Sister's Cancer podcast. I'm Kayla Crum, registered nurse and writer.
Ella 0:15
And I'm Ella Beckett, social worker and cancer survivor.
Kayla 0:20
We're sisters on a mission to care for the cancer community through the sharing of real life stories, a sprinkle of sass, and lots of support.
Ella 0:28
Join us in a new kind of pity party. It's a pity so many of us carry the heavy burden of cancer alone, so let's make it a party and carry it together.
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Ella 0:43
Welcome back to the My Sister's Cancer podcast. This is your co-host, Ella Beckett, here, as always, with my sister Kayla Crum. Last week we talked about control and how frustrating it can be to have a loss of control that comes with a cancer diagnosis. This week, we're going to be talking about the fact that life isn't fair, as we've heard from many of our parents growing up, or we hear still to this day from people, life is not fair. And so we're just going to be unpacking a few different angles of what that means specifically related to cancer, but also more generally. So one of the first things that I wanted to touch on is actually a post that I made on Instagram about a year into my cancer journey. And I remember I posted a photo of a little cactus and succulent that I had gotten, I think, as a gift or something. And the caption that I wrote was, “Being negative only makes a difficult journey more difficult. Friends, you may be given a cactus, but you don't have to sit on it.” Um, and I think that's just a good place to start because in my mind, the things that we’re dealt in life, the things that come our way, are sometimes cacti, right? Like, they're prickly, they're not great, they're dry, whatever you want to follow with the metaphor to be. But that doesn't mean that you have to sit on the cactus and be miserable about it. And I just feel like that's a good place to start because it kind of ties into what we were talking about last week with us not really having control over what happens to us, but we really do have control how we respond.
Kayla 2:44
If you've been listening along with us, you know that we're not here to promote positivity or toxic positivity, but we do believe in the power of positive thinking and in attitude adjustments. Got to let yourself have a few days to wallow here and there, but… life's not fair. Most of us are dealt random crap of varying difficulties throughout our lives, and your response is really all you can control. I do think that here in the United States, it's interesting. I think that our privilege, especially for you and I, Ella, as like, white, middle class Christian women, allows us to expect life to be fair. And maybe this is assuming too much, but people who are born into less privileged positions - in the metaphor, maybe just surrounded by cacti, they're not surprised by the cacti, and they would never sit on it because who would sit on a cactus? Whereas the more privileged you are, the, ah, the easier it is I think, to - when tragedy of some sort befalls you, to be like, “Woe is me! Why did I get sent this cactus?” And, like, lay back swooning; fainting lady from silent film style over your cactus, like, “Oh, my gosh, why is this happening to me?” And again, I've totally done that. I think there's a place for that, but you’ve got to get up off the cactus because life's not fair. And actually, we all get dealt different cacti through our life. If you look around and kind of open your eyes, you'll start to see that. I think social media makes it seem like everyone gets flower bouquets instead of cacti, and that's just not true at all. However, we also have this concept of the “bootstrap mentality” in the United States. So I just said, you can choose to get off your cactus. And that's true to an extent, but - but just like we talked about in our last episode, there are lots of things we cannot control. So in America, the “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” mentality is strong. We're very individualistic. We believe as a country that anyone can achieve the American dream if they work hard and try hard enough. And that's just not true. We all have different starting points, different weaknesses that are dealt us, different family traumas, physical illness, or trauma. Not everyone has the same opportunities available to them. So it's one of those instances where two things can be true. I believe that life gives us all lemons or whatever metaphor you want to use, and we have a little bit of an opportunity to decide how to respond to that. But at the same time, I do not believe that everyone can just pull themselves up out of whatever pit they're in and make it all fine, because that's just not always the case. So I feel like I just talked myself in a complete circle, but I think that's the nature of… of adult life. It's realizing that two things are true a lot of the time about almost anything you talk about.
Ella 6:34
Yeah, I'm really glad that you brought that up and acknowledged the fact that even saying that life isn't fair is a sort of privilege. I guess I never really thought of it that way. That we almost feel like we're deserving of certain things, right, of this great life. And I think that also speaks to another basic idea that comes to mind specifically within the Christian world, but I think also in a lot of different faiths and even just a lot of different people who aren't necessarily spiritual, but just believe the idea that good things happen to good people. Right? It's like the whole idea of karma, that you just put good things out there and good things will come back to you, which is just, like, not true. Karma is not your boyfriend, Taylor Swift.
Kayla 7:35
Uh, so sad! We love Taylor, but we don't believe that karma is your boyfriend. It… yeah, it's definitely tied up in the Christian faith, even though we don't call it karma. Like, I guess we would call it the prosperity gospel or “blessing follows obedience” or, like, yeah, #blessed comes to mind. There's this sense of, like, even in the Bible verses, like, you know, “honor your father and mother, and you will live long in the land the Lord has granted you.” Like, I don't think that that bears out in every circumstance. Like, not every single person who honors their mom and dad have a long life, that's just, like, not literally speaking true. But we can kind of get tangled up in the idea that if we follow God's rules, maybe our life will be a little easier. And the hilarious thing about that is that if you look at the Bible, like, the people that were out there for Jesus were in large numbers, tortured, killed, martyred, imprisoned. I mean, like, Jesus, too, died. Right? So it's like, I don't know how we overlook all of that and think that good things will come to us if we do things right. And yet it's so tempting, right? We just, I think, want to believe that there's bad guys and good guys and the bad stuff happens to the bad people. Or at least by the end - by the end, everyone gets what they deserve. But, yeah, that whole idea of thinking life has to be fair in the first place just shows how much you think, like, well, I'm one of the good guys, and therefore I deserve X, Y or Z, when it's really, like, however you want to conceptualize it, the universe, God, whatever, doesn't really owe you anything and certainly isn't out here to dish out fairness. Oh, I've heard the phrase “chaos lottery.” Crap just happens, and that stuck with me. For me as a Christian, I kind of had to get to a point where I accepted the bad stuff that happens as part of just the free will and fallenness of the world, not as like, God sending disaster to people necessarily, or choosing - I guess technically he chooses not to intervene and prevent it. But I don't see it as that active. I feel like the price of free will is the brokenness of our world right down to ourselves, like cancer. So that chaos lottery framing, which I heard from Sarah, one of the co-hosts on Pantsuit Politics, another great podcast, has just stuck with me as like, yeah, sometimes your number gets drawn and it's your turn in the chaos lottery and life is not fair. It's random and it's terrible.
Ella 10:40
Yeah. So what you were just saying, Kayla, makes me think that in many ways, I think we compare what God has given us or what he hasn't given us… but that also relates to us comparing ourselves to those around us and the fact that comparison in general is the root of thinking that things are unfair. I've heard the quote - and I believe it's Theodore Roosevelt who said that comparison is the thief of joy. And I think that's so true because a lot of times I don't feel sorry for myself until I'm looking at someone else's life that has something that I didn't even know that I wanted, if that makes sense. And I think especially throughout all of my cancer stuff it was like I was just constantly comparing my life to those around me. And I think it was so hard to see all the amazing things that all these people in my life were getting to do in this really exciting season of college and new friends and new community. Meanwhile, I was just, like, going through the absolute hardest time of my life. And so I really just think that if I had been able to compare myself a little bit less or, like, my current circumstances a little bit less, I really believe that I would have found more contentment and also maybe a little bit more joy in the midst of the tough stuff. Does that make sense?
Kayla 12:28
Yeah. I keep thinking of social media while you're talking. I think that it's heightened that idea of keeping up with the Joneses. And I'm sure in some ways, cancer as a young adult sucked more before you could connect online with your friends. And in some ways now it's harder because you see everything they're doing. You see everyone's highlight reel all the time. If you're looking at your phone - which that's one of the things available to you when you're strapped up to chemo or whatever. Most of us present our best selves online and you just start to forget that other people, they might not have cancer, but like, so and so's mom died or so and so, you know, has a bunch of food allergies and so it affects their daily life every day. And they can't just go out with their friends in the same way. Just so many things like that. We all have these different afflictions and they're just usually not super public or not public in the way cancer is. I think cancer is kind of uniquely public because it's life threatening and you lose your hair, and a lot of people can kind of… right, like, if you have a bunch of food allergies or a parent or something is mentally ill or has died recently, there's some things you can hide, especially as a young adult, or mask. But cancer is so uniquely public that I'm sure it's weird to… you do feel like it's unfair when you compare it with other people's stuff. And it's like, again, like I said earlier, two things are true. Like, getting into comparing the two of us, it's hard because it's like, okay, you've had cancer twice. Hopefully I'll never have anything in my life that is even remotely close to how terrible that was for me personally. You know what I mean? Odds are I won't have a diagnosis that is as earth shattering as yours has been. Now, hopefully I didn't jinx it. I don't really believe in jinxing, but you know what I mean? I'm 27. There's a lot of life left to live. But it's weird that you kind of have this permanently unfair status or whatever in our lives. And then the part of me that I don't really say to anybody - because it sounds so crass - is that, like, that feels a little unfair to me sometimes. I'm your only sister, and it's like, nothing I ever go through is ever going to get as much empathy, sympathy, support, love as what you've gone through. And that sounds so petty when I say that out loud. I think it has complicated our family dynamics and our relationship, and luckily we're all pretty open and in a good place about it now, like five years later. But it's just hard as your only sibling to feel like none of my struggles are ever going to be considered as hard as yours were. Does that make sense?
Ella 16:04
Yeah, and I don't think that's petty at all. I mean, I think that that makes a lot of sense. I think especially when, like you said, it's just the two of us. We're pretty close in age. We're like two and a half years apart for those of you who don't know. And we're just very close as a family, and I think all of those things just make it that much more complicated.
Kayla 16:33
So for an example, a very tender topic is fertility for a lot of people. And for listeners who might not know, cancer treatment often affects your fertility, sometimes temporarily, sometimes permanently. There's like a whole host of ways it can affect your future childbearing abilities for both men and women. And so obviously, that has touched Ella's life, and she's still young, but that's just another thing that feels unfair. Obviously, it's unfair to her. It sucks that that's part of her story now and her future. She always pictured having children, that's now been sort of tossed in the air, and we're not sure where that's going to land. Whereas it feels selfish for me to say, I, too, feel like that's unfair to me. I don't have kids yet, but I'm hoping to. And it's like, when I have this hopefully joyful news, it'll be colored by the fact that I don't know if Ella can ever share that in the same way, or my kids might not have cousins in the way that I thought they would grow up with cousins. And it's just so weird because I can feel that unfairness and disappointment, and yet every time, my brain is like, but Ella has it so much worse. It's not fair for you to say that, Ella has it worse. And you and I have talked about this, so I'm mostly talking to the listeners here. But it's just things like that that will always be a part of our life now. That kind of color the normal family landmarks. Yeah, that just doesn't feel fair, even as a sibling or fair between us. And yet, where am I getting my idea of fairness? I don't know. Like we said from the start, why do I think I'm entitled to all that? I'm not.
Ella 18:49
Yeah, but I think what you're saying is such an important point that cancer changes everything. And I think something that we've talked about a lot as a family is that, like… it's, I mean, first of all, I also just want to say, Kayla, like, your feelings are completely valid. And it's sad to me, of course, that you feel that way and that in some ways, yes, there will always be, like, that overbearing shadow of the shit show of my cancer and how it's affected all of our lives. But, um, one thing I think that we've talked about a lot is that grieving what could have been and I think the acknowledgment that life is not fair. Like you were saying, two things can be true. Yes, life is not fair, and we know that. But also, here's all the things that could have been and would have been and now might not be. So I think it's totally okay to sit with that for a minute, too, and grieve the things that could have been if life went a little bit differently.
Kayla 20:09
Yeah. And hearing you reflect that back to me makes me be like, “Oh, it's not fair to you for me to be like, oh, you're this black cloud that's going to follow me everywhere.” That's how I kind of constructed you. Now hearing it said back to me, I'm like, “You basically just told her she's going to cast a shadow over your life until you die.” That's not fair to you either. These really complicated family dynamics of like… ah, you have this, like, weird trump card in a way. Like, you're always going to have it “the worst” and yet we all know that comparing grief or comparing difficulty doesn't really serve anyone. I don't know. So this conversation reminds me of the Olivia Rodrigo song “Jealousy, Jealousy.” She's this Gen Z singer that people are comparing to kind of a weird mix of, like, Taylor Swift and Avril Lavigne. She's definitely, like, pretty angsty, but her first album is called “Sour,” and she has this song “Jealousy, Jealousy.” And leading into, I think it's the second chorus, she says, “Their win is not my loss. I know it's true but I can't help getting caught up in it all.” And then the chorus is, “Comparison is killing me slowly. I think too much about kids who don't know me. I'm so sick of myself. I'd rather be anyone else.” Especially in the age of social media that's like, super on the nose. But that whole idea of, like, their win is not my loss, that in particular felt really insightful to me because it's easy to look around - and again, that comparison is what makes us feel like life's not fair. Their win is my loss. Like that person being healthy or on vacation or whatever, having the dream job, having the spouse and kids, having the dog, whatever. Their win is directly my loss, I think, is like, the space we can get into and feeling like it's unfair when really we’re all just on our own life journeys and they're not all going to look the same. They're not going to be on the same timelines. I don't know. I just feel like, yeah, we have to really strip away the idea that somebody gaining or winning or succeeding automatically means that they're taking that from someone else. I've heard Jen Hatmaker, who's, like, a Christian author, talk about how - and I don't think she invented this. I think I've heard this phrase other places - but that, um, the tide rises all the boats in the harbor, right? Like, it's not like there's enough creativity in the world, there's enough opportunity in the world. Like, people's success doesn't take it away from you. It's not pie. The tide rises all the boats kind of idea. And it's easy when you see somebody else rising to be like, oh, they're draining my water, or whatever. But it's not necessarily true.
Ella 23:18
I like that a lot. I think that's a really good perspective, and I do think that ties into a little bit of what we were talking about earlier with the unfairness between us as sisters. I think specifically related to the uncertainty surrounding fertility and everything like that is like… someone else getting pregnant is not a loss to me. I think it's so important that we still celebrate those wins without letting the uncertainty or whatever overshadow the good stuff, too.
Kayla 24:01
Yeah, I think I really admire you being able to say that. It's hard, right, to actually do it, to actually feel happy for other people in those scenarios because it does feel so personal. But yeah, I aspire to do what you just said. To be able to celebrate with those who celebrate, mourn with those who mourn, and not make it about me every single time, which is hard. I think we all have a little bit of that main character syndrome, as they say, which makes sense. Like we are the star in our own life, but…
Ella 24:53
That’s right. Yeah. Main character energy, I feel like, perfectly describes little me. I was the star of my own show, and I don't really know where that innate confidence came from, but it carried me places. Right. And I think one thing that mom and I have talked a lot about is I really think that even though, overall, I would say that my sparkle and my just relentless confidence definitely dulled throughout the years, I do think that it carried me through cancer in many ways. I think having just that inner zest and strength, even on the hard days, I still felt like - I don't know, I think I have this tenacity and perseverance that came from years of being really sure of who I was and sure of what I wanted. And so, like, I also know when I was young, I had a really strong will that was often difficult for Mom and Dad to know how to navigate. But I think that, too, is part of what really carried me through everything. And I think if you're able to take that and channel it, it can get you through some of the hardest stuff.
Kayla 26:17
Yeah, I think that's just another example of the fairness or unfairness, if you want to characterize it that way. It felt unfair to me for many years that you were born so sparkly and sure of yourself, and yet, right, maybe that was… I don't know if I really believe this or not, but maybe you were gifted with that because you were going to face this thing, this cancer. It so… it's like, was it unfair to me? Was it unfair to you? I think it all comes out in the wash. Like, maybe we all are kind of equipped with what we need to an extent, but… yeah, because it's funny just how many years I spent feeling like, “I wish I had her confidence.” But then when I think about if I was the one with cancer, especially if it had been me at age 18 like you were, I don't know. I don't think I would have had the same quiet strength that you did. I think I would… nobody knows how they would have acted. I tend to think of myself as more like, of a shrinking violet. Now, post your cancer and post therapy, for me, I've found inner strength. But before all of that, I didn't have great coping tools. And I feel like a lot of people, when something happens bad or feels unfair, they go to, like, anger, and I always went to, like, shame and sadness. So, like, this is true. When we were kids, like, say we got yelled at by a coach, a lifeguard, whatever. You would have been, like “Screw them, like, rude.” Whereas I would be like, “Oh, my gosh, I broke a rule. Like, I'm the worst.”
Ella 28:17
Yeah.
Kayla 28:18
And it's just like, I kind of wish that my inner response, my knee jerk response, was to be like, “Well, whatever.” And it kind of felt like growing up that’s what you had, and maybe you needed a little of that energy in the face of cancer to be like, “Screw you.” I don't know. I mean, you weren't just like… I want to be clear. Ella had a long, hard road and had a lot of days where she was definitely down. It's not like she was just sassing from her bed all the time. But that inner core response, I think, is still in there, and I just wonder… I don't think that I would have handled it the same way that you did, so it's just interesting, things we only can see in hindsight, right?
Ella 29:10
Yeah. I like that idea of… the fact that maybe we're equipped with what we need, like, to get by. That’s nice.
Kayla 29:19
Yeah. I don't know if I believe it. And that reminds me of our next episode, “Everything Happens for a Reason (And Other Lives I've Loved)”, which is a book by Kate Bowler, who's a cancer survivor and professor at Duke University. I think we've mentioned her once or twice before on this podcast. She has a podcast also called “Everything Happens.” And as I just mentioned in her title, she kind of unpacks that she doesn't necessarily believe anymore that everything happens for a reason. I kind of walk the line, like, I like to believe we're born equipped with inner strength for what we're about to face, and yet at the same time, I want to believe that life happens and it's nobody's fault and there's not always a grander purpose. It just stinks sometimes. But once a season, we'll pick a book and kind of talk about it together and recommend it for you guys to read and reflect on. Because our story matters and that's why we made this podcast, but it's great to get some other voices and experiences in here and we wanted to kind of broaden your horizon. If you've been enjoying - that's a weird word for, like, a cancer podcast, but if you've been enjoying this podcast, there's a whole wide world of cancer memoirs out there for you to enjoy. So we're going to try to open that up for you a little bit. So thanks for listening and we'll see you next week.