Mostly

Mostly now I can go about my life as if everything is back to normal. Mostly now I don't think every day about relapse. Mostly now I'm fine.

But sometimes I get swallowed up by the fact that my sister had cancer twice, and there's no guarantees we won't do this all again when we're forty. When my parents are aging. When we might have children who will get hurt.

There’s also the exquisite beauty and staggering weight of the fact that my sister married a man with a brain tumor that’s “stable” - whatever that means.

They are so perfect together it hurts to look at them, knowing they both might die before they're gray. And yet, my sister says, "None of us knows when we'll die - your husband could get hit by a bus tomorrow.” Whew. But I know deep down she's right.

And so, I love them so much my heart swells at the sight of them, and we laugh and go snow tubing and watch old home movies and eat cake and live lives that are mostly fearless.


 Mostly.

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What’s your method of integrating a past cancer journey into your current life? Do you set aside times to think about it, journal, and process - or do you find yourself thinking about it in the daily minutiae? Maybe a little bit of both? Let me know in the comments.