Episode 10: It Is Well
Faith can be a comfort or a strain, and often both. Today the sisters discuss how Ella’s diagnosis influenced their Christian faith through the lens of the old hymn “It Is Well with My Soul.”
SHOW NOTES
Sources and Further Reading:
TRANSCRIPT
Kayla 0:09
You're listening to the My Sister’s Cancer podcast. I'm Kayla Crum, registered nurse and writer.
Ella 0:15
And I'm Ella Beckett, social worker and cancer survivor.
Kayla 0:20
We're sisters on a mission to care for the cancer community through the sharing of real life stories, a sprinkle of sass, and lots of support.
Ella 0:28
Join us in a new kind of pity party. It's a pity so many of us carry the heavy burden of cancer alone. So let's make it a party and carry it together.
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Ella 0:42
“When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot thou hast taught me to say: it is well, it is well with my soul.”
Kayla 1:03
You might have recognized those lines from the famous hymn “It is Well with My Soul,” written by Horatio Spafford back in the 1800s. That song took on a lot of meaning to my sister and I during her cancer journey and really to our whole family. And we're going to use it sort of as a launching pad for discussing our faith in God, how that was tested and strengthened and everything in between during Ella's cancer journey. So, to start off, you might not know the history of the song “It is Well with My Soul.” Horatio Spafford actually endured quite a bit of tragedy. He first endured the Great Chicago Fire, which apparently ruined him financially, and then he sent his family, his wife and children, on to England and was going to take a separate boat himself. And that boat actually sank that his family was on. And his wife made it, but his children did not. And so he actually wrote this song, “It Is Well with My Soul,” as he was passing over the place where his daughters drowned when he was traveling to meet his wife. So that's just a great starting point for this conversation, because it's not a hymn - on the surface, the hymn sounds like, “hey, everything's fine,” but that's not what it's saying. It's richer and deeper than that. And he had gone through terrible tragedy and yet was choosing, or trying his best to choose each day to be at peace with what had happened to the best of his ability. So we're going to unpack that, as well as other aspects of our faith. And, Ella, why don't you start out and explain why we were latched onto this phrase in the first place?
Ella 3:09
Sure. So, for the year 2016, I was a senior in high school. I was finishing up my senior year, and I was a part of the competitive cheer team at my high school. And I remember that an exercise that our cheer coach had us do as we were ending 2015 and headed into the new year was that she challenged us and encouraged us to pick either a word or a phrase of intention for the year ahead. And this was a practice that I believe she had done several times in her own life and found a lot of meaning in. And I gave it a lot of thought. I think I prayed about it a little bit. I just really wanted to pick something that would kind of set my intention for the year and be the overarching theme for the year. Without knowing what that year held, obviously, can't see the future. And so I remember I chose the phrase “it is well.” And I have always loved this hymn. I think it's really beautiful. I knew a little bit about the backstory and in that moment of my life, at that point of my senior year, just remember thinking that's the kind of faith that I want. I want the faith that no matter what comes my way, no matter what happens to me, that I will still be able to say that it is well with my soul, that I'm at peace with things and that I trust God. And so this was really, I think, the point in my life when I was starting to make my faith my own. I think when you grow up in a Christian home, it's really easy to rely on your parents beliefs and those around you and your church community to be sort of the backbone of your faith. But then I think as I was stepping into the second half of my senior year, I was realizing that I was going to be moving out into the real world and just really wanted to make my faith my own. And so that was the phrase that I decided to really dwell on and ruminate on for the year 2016. And little did we know how difficult and trying that year would be. And even before the cancer stuff, I believe we've mentioned it briefly on a different episode, but 2016 really started - so just a few months after I had chosen this phrase to be my phrase for the year, we lost two of our grandparents within six weeks of each other. And that was extremely challenging. I would say it was the hardest thing that we had been through up until that point. We were very close with our grandparents and it was just a really difficult time. And so I think even before the cancer, this was another trial that we had to face. And I think even through that, I found a lot of peace in this song. I believe it was even played at one of their funerals. And, yeah, then it definitely took on even more meaning as the year continued and things continued to get harder.
Kayla 6:59
Ella I remember the day that you decided to make your diagnosis public, which was a day or two after we all found out as your family. You posted this picture of the phrase “it is well” written on the top of, like, a coffee cup, like a to-go cup, and had this beautiful caption about how you had picked that phrase. And little did you know, this would be the hardest year of your life so far, blah, blah, blah. And I think we've touched on this on previous podcasts. I was, like, in awe of that because I was like, what the heck? You were way more secure in that idea than me or Mom or Dad. I mean, I don't want to speak for them, but I feel like we've discussed this as a family, and we were all kind of, like, in shock at how well you were taking it. And so I just wonder, looking back, like - did it feel true to you at the time? Do you feel like you were in self-denial a little bit? Maybe both things can be true. What was that actually like?
Ella 8:04
Yeah, I definitely think that two things can be true, and I think I was certainly still in shock. I mean, I think my response right away was just to try and cope with it however I could. And I think in that moment in my life, I was very strong in my faith. And I think that was one of the first things that I turned to, was the faith that I had and the God that I knew. And so I think, yes, I was able to still cling to that phrase right there in that moment, to be able to write that and to post that. But I do think I was still probably in a bit of shock and in some ways, maybe went on autopilot a little bit, and maybe I think I relied on faith that I've had in the past, if that makes sense. I think sometimes when you don't necessarily have faith in the present moment, it's like you have to remind yourself of other times that God has been good and has shown up and done things in your life. So I think it was just kind of a mixed bag in that moment.
Kayla 9:25
Thanks for sharing that. Yeah. I didn't mean that to sound accusatory. After I said it, I was like, I feel like I'm trying to do a “gotcha” moment, and that's not what I meant. I just truly struggled to understand how you so quickly went to that. But hearing you explain it makes sense. And I do resonate with what you're saying about leaning on the faith of times past. We were both raised in the family of God, in the church, and it was central to our family life. And so… I did end up having a lot of anger at God that I've had to work through. But I would say during diagnosis season, so to speak, in those early days, I definitely, I mean, I was asking, “Why God?” But I was still feeling, like, supported by the church and even supported in my time of prayer. Like, I found that to be healing. So I didn't immediately, like, turn on God, if that makes sense. I do remember one time being pretty sassy and saying, “Well, it's not well with my soul.” And I don't remember if that was to Mom or to both you and Mom.
Ella 10:39
I don't remember hearing that. *laughter*
Kayla 10:42
I probably didn't say it in front of you, but that song did end up taking on a lot of significance for me as well. First of all, it's just a beautiful song. I mean, I liked it before you ever had this experience. Yeah. The verse you read, the very first verse, he's talking about peaceful times and sorrowful times and I've just always been, even as a child, a person who sees the good and the bad in the world, like side by side and the grayness of it all. And so I think the fact that this song acknowledges that has been meaningful to me. Instead of some Christian songs, which some of them are pretty prosperity gospel-y or toxic positivity leaning and there's hardly any, I feel like, that are just straight up mournful. I almost wish we had more mourning songs and perhaps there are hymns that have just been lost to time. Like, I sometimes wonder if our ancestors were better about that, about singing the sad stuff. So I do appreciate that this song is not one or the other. As you moved on through your treatment and stuff, do you remember clinging to this idea? Or was it mostly central to you in the days around diagnosis?
Ella 12:07
That's a really good question. I definitely think it was most meaningful to me in the season of diagnosis. I think my clearest memories of clinging to this phrase were surrounding the diagnosis season, as we'll call it. But I think what's cool too, is once you kind of put it out there as something that you have found a lot of hope and encouragement in, I just remember there was like an overwhelming amount of people who then would send me different versions of the song. There's a really beautiful one by Bethel that also took on a lot of meaning for me, or people would get me, like a personalized bracelet or something with the phrase “it is well.” So I think it continued to have meaning throughout the time, throughout the season. I do remember my post about relapse was actually a lot more honest, I think in some respects, and just blunt. I remember I said something about how I have a lot more questions than answers and I think, like we've talked about before, in some ways the relapse was a lot harder than the initial diagnosis. And I think it was a lot harder for me to still say “it is well with my soul.” Like I was reading back in my journal before we jumped on to record and think a lot of those angry feelings at God that you were talking about, Kayla, I really experienced that the second time around when I relapsed, I think, is when I was really starting to ask, okay, why? The first time, for whatever reason, I really did have that deep, all-surpassing peace in my heart and in my mind. But then the second time, I was like, we just did this. We have to do this all again. What lessons could I possibly still have to learn? So I just think it was harder for me to hold this true and to speak this over the second experience, if that makes sense.
Kayla 14:53
That makes total sense to me. Our next episode next week is going to delve into relapse a little bit deeper. But we've mentioned it before and yeah, I agree. The part you said about lessons needing to be learned, like, it just made me feel like there was some sort of cosmic force, like, trying to force us into being better people or something. I don't even believe that God is like that. But there's a lot of messaging out there culturally and religiously that kind of tells you that that's true. And if you haven't really sat with what you really think about God in that respect, that can creep up on you. And I just remember thinking, like, haven't I learned enough? Haven't I become a better person? Isn't it someone else's turn to learn a life lesson? So, yeah, the second time was really difficult and maybe that's when I said that “it's not well with my soul.” I can't really remember at what point I said that. Since then I've gone to therapy for a couple of years and I actually see a spiritual director now, which I'll link in the show notes to just what that is at a deeper level. But it's not really a therapist because they're usually like a pastor or just like somebody who has taken spiritual director training. You might hear them called a spiritual guide. It sounds pretty woo woo, but the one I see is based on the Christian faith. I'm sure there's other faiths as well, and they just are sort of like a listening space for you to kind of wrestle out loud through what you're dealing with spiritually and then they ask reflective questions in the same way like a traditional therapist might. You're just not trying to cure, like, a mental illness or anything like that. So through that, I've kind of come to terms with how angry I was at God for allowing you to get sick both times and I think I've come back to a place where I can truly say “it is well with my soul” when for a couple of years there, it really wasn't. I think that although I never quit going to church or really never completely wrote off God, I wasn't really on speaking terms with Him for a while. And I don't know, I guess where I've landed is that He created us knowing we weren't perfect because He gave us free will, which means we weren't going to be perfect because we're finite. But He knew that existence is worth it, like, worth all the trouble that we're going to endure. And so when I swim in Lake Michigan or see mountains or laugh so hard that my stomach hurts with, like, you or friends, it's like I try to soak in those moments and be like, this is what existing is all about. And this joy of nature and of deep relationship is like what God was giving to us as a gift. And He in His infinite wisdom knew that the trade off would be worth it. And that's just like, where I've landed. Instead of thinking that God is selfish, which is a thought I've had before, like, “how dare you create us and then put us through this terrible thing?” Like, we didn't ask to be created - or that He sends us stuff to teach us lessons. I don't really believe He's zapping people with cancer. I feel like because He created a world of free will, like, bad things happen. I'm sure that theologians are probably cringing at how I'm explaining this, and I'm sure I don't subscribe to one succinct theory, but the older I get, the more I realize I don't think most people who are not pastors or whatever truly have a complete cohesive theology. And I mean, we were raised in a Christian school, we went to a Christian college. We have a pretty good foundation. And yet I don't think you're ever going to find one doctrine, other than the Bible, but like one denomination, I should say, that checks every box for who you've experienced God to be and who you believe God to be. And I found some freedom in realizing there's so many denominations and interpretations of God even within the Christian faith, and that I can grow in how I see God and that's acceptable and actually, probably a good thing that's not - my faith is not so shaky that a season of anger at God can blow it down forever. God is not that shaky.
Ella 20:02
Yeah, I resonate a lot with what you were saying about changing your mind in some ways about different things and how your view of God is always expanding. I remember in - I think it was high school youth group, we would always talk about how we try to put God in a box, but that that box is often exploded. And then we're like, wait, where is He? But then sometimes we just have to find the pieces again because God will always outgrow the box that we try to put Him in.
Kayla 20:44
For sure. And I think I internalized the message that my faith shouldn't change. No one ever said that directly, but the messaging of “train up a child in the way he should go and when he's old, he will not turn from it.” That's like a Bible verse that I'll link to. And then the whole “have faith like a child” thing. I think I just kind of got the idea that my childlike faith is like, what I should always be trying to cling to. And then when I got older and started asking questions that that was wrong or bad and again, our parents were a pretty safe place to ask questions. And I never got told that directly. I think just from church culture in general, I kind of internalized the idea that my faith should be the rock and everything else should move around it. But your experience with cancer at such a young age just really pushed back on that idea that it's going to be one thing and allowed me to realize it's more like a plant than a rock. It can be central to my life, but it's a living thing. Like, our relationship with God is a living thing. And if it never changed in my whole life, that would probably actually be a bad thing, because that would mean I'm not growing closer or engaging with God.
Ella 22:08
Well, and I think that's exactly right. It's easy to forget that it's a relationship. I think so often we get caught up in the theology and caught up in the doctrine and in going to church and all of the actions and the things that we do. But it's like, at the end of the day, faith is a relationship. So I totally agree. I think it's ever changing and growing. And you have to cultivate that relationship, too, just like you would cultivate your garden if you wanted it to thrive.
Kayla 22:45
When you mentioned earlier that at your diagnosis, you sort of returned or rested on the roots of faith you'd had for years, that calls to mind for me Narnia. Which, for listeners who don't know, Narnia, The Chronicles of Narnia, is a seven book children's series written, I believe, in the ‘50s and ‘60s by the theologian C. S. Lewis. And it's like a fantasy world. Most of you have probably heard of it. Children go through a wardrobe and by various other methods into this alternate universe and, like, of course, save the day and such. I was obsessed with these books as a child. I read them, like, seven times and I still love them. C. S. Lewis is an incredible author. I've read some of his adult books now and find them excellent also. But my point is, in those books Aslan, who's, like, this lion character is supposedly like Jesus. That's kind of who he represents. And you really see those children - it's always children who are called in on these adventures to help rescue Narnia. And they have a relationship with him and, like, sometimes they question him and doubt him. They're mad at him. They cry in front of him… every time they see him, he's bigger. Or they think he's bigger, he looks bigger, and he's a little bit mysterious about did he actually get bigger? Or because they're older and they understand him better, is that why he's bigger? I just feel like C. S. Lewis does a really excellent job of portraying that mystery and that dynamic relationship that we have with Christ. And like you said, sometimes I lean on that simplistic metaphor or that vision of Aslan the lion when thinking about it just cerebrally in my head is like, not doing it for me. Because sometimes as adults, we get stuck in the black and white pages of theology, I think. And returning to that relationship and that idea of Aslan as Jesus has been really helpful for me.
Ella 25:03
So we thought we would close today by actually playing “It is Well” for you. And I just encourage you to listen to the words and even to look up the lyrics and read along with the song as it's playing. There's just a lot of meaning in the words that he wrote, and especially knowing the backstory and just the hardship that he endured, it makes it that much more meaningful to digest the song with that context. And so we just wanted to close on that note; we would love to hear in the comments any of you who also had your faith impacted by your cancer journey or something hard in life that you've had to navigate. We always love hearing from you @mysisterscancer on Instagram or on our website, mysisterscancer.co. So next week, we'll be talking about relapse and August anniversaries, but for now, we leave you with “It is Well.”
Song: “It is Well with My Soul” by Horatio Spafford, sung by the Antioch Mass Choir
“When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul
It is well (it is well) with my soul (with my soul)
It is well, it is well with my soul”