Episode 30: New Year, New You?
It’s no secret that January is the biggest month for self-improvement of all sorts. Today on the podcast the sisters unpack this messaging, discussing what’s helpful, what’s not, and how to adjust your perspective to accept the reality that we might not have as much control as we think we do.
SHOW NOTES
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Sources and Further Reading:
You can reach out to us here if you want to share a story, feedback, or potentially come on the show as a guest
Diet and food-related things mentioned on the show:
Whole30 was mentioned as a diet plan, not a recommendation
Health At Every Size - an alternative to diet culture
Intuitive Eating - an alternative to diet culture
The Lazy Genius podcast, teaching us how to be a genius about the things that matter to you and lazy about the things that don’t
Body image stuff mentioned on the show:
Bree Lenehan, body reality check influencer on Instagram
Credit to Sarah Stewart Holland on Pantsuit Politics podcast for teaching us the phrase, “We don’t comment on other people’s bodies”
Credit also goes to Pantsuit Politics for the phrase “have the best day/week/holiday available to you”
Ella’s phrase “it is well” was inspired by the hymn “It is Well with my Soul”
The yoga teacher mentioned on the show is the lovely Yoga with Adriene
The Next Right Thing with Emily P. Freeman
Guided journal that Kayla uses to reflect
TRANSCRIPT
Kayla 0:09
You're listening to the My Sister’s Cancer podcast. I'm Kayla Crum, registered nurse and writer.
Ella 0:15
And I'm Ella Beckett, social worker and cancer survivor.
Kayla 0:20
We're sisters on a mission to care for the cancer community through the sharing of real life stories, a sprinkle of sass, and lots of support.
Ella 0:28
Join us in a new kind of pity party. It's a pity so many of us carry the heavy burden of cancer alone. So let's make it a party and carry it together.
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Kayla 0:42
Welcome back to the My Sister's Cancer podcast. I'm your co-host, Kayla Crum, here as always with my sister Ella Beckett. Welcome to 2024. We hope that you all had the best holidays available to you. Thanks for being patient while we took a week off last week to have some downtime during the holidays. I just want to acknowledge right up top that if they were difficult for any reason, if you're sick or you're remembering other years that were tough or you're dealing with loss or uncertainty, I hope that you found some space to rest and grieve or whatever you needed to do over the holidays, and if not, it's not too late to find somebody to talk about it with or journal about it. Holidays can be hard just even with regular family dynamics. And then you add on cancer or other hard things. And we know that can be difficult. So here's hoping that it went okay for all of you and holding space for when it didn't. And as we start this new year, we just wanted to remind you guys that towards the end of February, we're hoping to have a guest episode where listeners from the community are willing to share their stories on our episode. So that could look like actually lending your voice - you could send in an audio recording, we could chat with you over Zoom - or you could just send in your written words that we could read. If you have a story or a perspective that you want to share, reach out to us. Hello@mysisterscancer.co is our email. That's probably the best place for us to collect that information, but you can also message us on Instagram or even send us a letter at our P.O. box, which is listed on our website, mysisterscancer.co. Let's see, today when this is releasing, it is the first week of January and we all know what that means. New year, new you messaging is already everywhere. Everyone's supposed to be done eating their holiday treats and starting their new exercise programs and setting their vision boards and their words for the year. And, you know, I - I have participated in a variety of these activities. There's not something inherently wrong with setting goals, or being proactive, or self-improvement. I've certainly done a lot of self-improvement through therapy and journaling and all kinds of things. However, January can be a bit of a tough thing to swallow if you are going through cancer or some other life-altering event that just makes you feel behind or stuck, or like your body won't cooperate. And then every ad on Instagram is for like a workout program or workout gear, Whole30 recipes, or whatever is going around at the moment. So we just kind of wanted to address the “new year new you” stereotype or message that we all get this time of year and kind of counter that with, I don't know, a more realistic view of: sure, there's like, some room for goal-setting and reflection, but let's not get swept away by having to have hypercontrol of our bodies or mental health. Ella, first, I'm just curious. I never really thought about this at the time, but you came out of your transplant in January and like, moved back home. Do you remember this affecting you back then, or were you in such a bubble that it, like, didn't really reach you?
Ella 4:09
That's a really great question. I do remember… not specifically when the year started and like this messaging, but I do remember like, I was still staying in the hospitality house when it was New Year's Eve and for whatever reason, like that was really hard for me. Like, I remember the feeling of like, wanting to turn over the new leaf, right? Like with the new year, there's all that, like symbolic, like, “Oh, we're ringing in this new season” and whatever. And I, like you were saying earlier, you said the word “stuck.” Like I felt somewhat stuck in that moment because I was like, uhh, like I'm still here. I'm not even home. And, like, you know, New Year's Eve, typically, you're, like, spending it with friends or like, some people go out and, like, do fun parties and have fun food and stuff. And I was just kind of there laying in a bed like, I think I watched the ball drop, but then I like immediately went to bed. So. Yeah. I mean, I think it's so hard to swallow all of that messaging, regardless of what you're going through. Like, even in just like your typical daily life. But I think what's underlying there is like the message of like, anything and everything is possible. And like when you've had cancer, you're like, no, actually that's not true, right? Like, no, it's - it's not. And so I think yeah, I just remember being struck by feeling stuck and just kind of… there, right? And not able to even really think about, “Oh, what do I want this year to look like?” Because who really knows what the year is going to look like?
Kayla 5:58
Oh wow, you brought up so many good points. I love when you said, like, limitless. Like I do think that's an American attitude in general, that your capacity or your potential is unlimited if you only, like, pursue the American dream and hustle and like hashtag girlboss.
Ella 6:17
Mhm. Yeah.
Kayla 6:19
And cancer definitely shows you that like - like you're not in control of everything, even if you do everything right per the standards of the world. Life can just turn on its head. And I loved how you said cancer really reminds you you can't predict what the year is going to bring because again, I think there's a place for goal-setting in a healthy lifestyle. Healthy, not even in your body, but like healthy mental health and healthy approach to life. Like, sure, have some goals, have some visions, but hold it all loosely. And, uh, the Lazy Genius - if you've never heard of that podcast, she always talks about how you can plan, but the key is to know how to pivot. And I really loved that framing because as a recovering planaholic, I really need to remember, like, okay, like plans only get you so far. You have to have the ability to pivot and hopefully do it with some grace for yourself and others. And that's just like normal life. Like, oh, you get the flu and you can't go or like, your car breaks down, then you throw in, right, like a life-threatening illness. It's like, yeah, talk about pivoting. So just the idea that we can have a five year plan or like even a one year plan is kind of laughable once you've gone through something like cancer. So yeah, I just wanted to acknowledge what you just said. I think that that really shifted my worldview after you went through that, for sure, because I really thought I had it all figured out, like into my 40s. You know, I had had it in my head of how I was going to go. And although you could say my life hasn't super been affected by your diagnosis, I actually think that it's led to a lot of different changes for me, just in my career, in my attitude towards life and like what matters to me, like a lot has changed. So yeah, just remind yourself that that messaging is not truth. Honestly, like you can't manifest things, as they say these days.
Ella 8:34
Yeah, well, and from a social work perspective too, like, that's a very privileged viewpoint. Even, you know, to even think that you have the right to manifest things, like I'm just - there are so many people that just like, that's not even an option available to them to even think to, you know, “Oh well if I just, you know, put in the work,” like they're just trying to make it through the day or make ends meet, like, I just think it's a really, yes, privileged point of view to even be focusing on that at the start of the year. Right. Like for a lot of people, I mean, I guess this is kind of like cancer-adjacent too, it's like, no, the start of the new year is when your insurance plan starts over and you might be paying quadruple what you've been paying for things because your deductible starts over. Right? Like, yeah, I think just remembering that like the new year means a lot of different things for a lot of different people. And it's not all great and shiny and exciting, like, it can be really hard.
Kayla 9:42
Yeah, that's a good point. I also think what's been lurking under stuff we've been saying too, is the whole body image concept. This is a time of year where everyone's like, “Work off those holiday pounds” and all that kind of stuff and… I mean, on the one hand, I too feel the need to consume some salad in January. Like you almost just like, crave what you haven't been eating. If you've eaten like a million cheese dips and like chocolates, like, I think your body naturally - [laughter] - naturally gravitates towards some fruits and veggies. So I get it. But I also want to acknowledge, like, a lot of us don't have as much control over our bodies as we like to imagine, even those of us who are the picture of health. I've done a lot of self-work and reading on the concept of like Health At Every Size, which I'll link to in the show notes, and intuitive eating, and not like staying stuck in the diet culture mentality of “If you only work hard enough, you can look like this fashion model” or whatever when really, a lot of it is sort of predetermined by genetics. A lot of it, like you were just saying, some people are working two jobs just trying to like, get some sleep at night, and we aren't all meant to look like that. So… I follow this one account where every Monday - and I'll link to her too, I think her name is Bree Lenehan. She posts like side-by-sides of like what you see on Instagram and like, reality. Like she'll be same outfit, same moment and just show you how it's all different -
Ella 11:21
Different pose, yeah.
Kayla 11:24
Yeah! And it's - I especially appreciate it because she seems to, like, carry all her weight in her abdomen. Which is where I also happen to, like, right? We all have that part of our body that we struggle with, or maybe a couple parts of our bodies, and she looks like this tiny person. But then when she does the like, quote, real photo, it's like some people might think she's actually, like newly pregnant. Like that's how different her stomach looks. And it's like, I relate to that. I mean, I am pregnant right now, but pre-pregnancy I struggled with feeling like I looked pregnant. So I don't know, this time of year, it's just important, I think, to even think about who you're following on social media. And we're going to do a whole social media episode next week. But if you are filling your mind just as you scroll with constant perfect images, it's easy to really feel down about yourself in the body department especially.
Ella 12:21
Well, and I think that also gets to like you were saying, oh, like looking a certain way or looking like this supermodel, like those people who do look that way might have had cancer, right? Like I remember I've gotten way too many compliments on the way that I looked when I was at my sickest, because I was thin, I was trim, whatever. Like of course the people who knew me really well, like, knew that I had lost quite a bit of weight and were like concerned about me. But I just think it's so loaded that like, yes, okay, society's beauty ideals are like to be this skinny and whatever, but it's like, no, someone might actually be very sick and look that way. And so something that you and I have kind of talked about is just like the idea of just like, not commenting on other people's bodies. And I just think that's such a helpful framework, too.
Kayla 13:18
Yeah. I got that phrase from Sarah on Pantsuit Politics. We've linked to their show before. That's one of my favorite podcasts, but she just teaches her kids like, we don't comment on people's bodies, positive or negative, because like you were saying, people will say like, “Wow, you look great. Like, have you lost weight or whatever?” And it's like, yeah, because I'm on chemo or I actually had that same experience in high school. I had like, undiagnosed anxiety that really prohibited me from finishing a meal for a while. Like I lost weight because I was so stressed in high school and didn't have good coping tools. And the amount of compliments I got, particularly from adult women in my life, which is like, just so sad because it's like the cycle, right, of like the young girls being taught by like, the older women, that skinny is above all else. I got so many compliments and I was like, literally not able to swallow food because I was so stressed. And it's like, okay, why are we doing this to each other? So yeah, I do like that - that framing of we don't comment on people's bodies, and it's a hard habit to break. For me, I actually find it - and this is kind of embarrassing. I've gotten really good at not commenting on someone's body to them, but sometimes, like even just consuming TV or whatever and saying to my husband or whatever, commenting on someone's body, that's actually harder for me to stop. Like even just the body talk about someone, not just to someone, but I'm trying to like, just kind of like, not care about that and not, not make that part of my assessment of someone. But it's hard because culture works against you for sure. We could probably talk all day about body image, and I think in the spring we might do a whole episode on how - what cancer can do to your body image, because it deserves a lot of time and attention. But in the spirit of new year, new you, I thought we could also talk a little bit about mental health and how we could reframe this whole “overhaul your life” concept to have some more grace and nuance and maybe actually be helpful. So one thing I wanted to ask you about, Ella, is you actually picked - you used to like, pick words for the year. And when you got diagnosed in 2016, you had picked the phrase “it is well,” which is from a famous hymn and really kind of was hard to swallow, at least for me and Mom and Dad. You embraced it, but when you got diagnosed, you were like, you know what? This is well with my soul, too. And like, kind of tried to still lean into what you had picked for the year. So I've never actually done that practice. Do you still do that or like what… what was good and bad about that practice for you? Is that something you recommend for people even who are going through something hard?
Ella 16:07
Yeah, honestly, I think that was kind of like, that was the first year that I had done that. Um, because I picked that up from my cheer coach at the time in high school had challenged us to do that. And I want to say that I did it maybe 1 or 2 years after that. Um, I really like the idea of it because I don't know about anyone else, but for me it's like, I get so, like, distracted and like, there's so much going on at all times. But when I have like, an intention or like something that I try to keep front of mind, like, it's easier for me to kind of keep focused on that. Um, and so, I don't know. I found that to just be really helpful. And then who knew that - what that year was going to be like for me and for our family? Like, I don't know, I definitely felt like the - I don't know if providence is the right word, but like, choosing that as my intention for the year I think in the end really strengthened my faith. Um, despite everything that I went through. But no, I really haven't done it in a few years, but it was something that I'm really glad that I did and I think could be a helpful tool for people to do. And I also think it's just something that's I mean, it doesn't require a lot of actual work, if that makes sense. Right? Like it's - it's more of a mindfulness and intentionality practice rather than like, “I have to work out three times a week,” right? Like it's more realistic because you're - you're kind of just ruminating on something in a good way, if that makes sense.
Kayla 17:53
Yeah, it reminds me of at the beginning of a yoga practice, I've heard teachers say, pick an intention just to meditate on while we do this for the next 20 minutes. So like, sometimes she'll be like, whisper to yourself, “I am strong.” Or she'll suggest like, think about gratitude. However you want to think about that today or leave it open-ended. Like, what do you want to set for your day? Like your intention if you're doing it in the morning. So yeah, you could definitely expand that to like a year. I would think for me I would need it on like a big ol’ sticky note or something like on my desk or on my bathroom mirror to actually remember that saying or that word. But I can imagine that with so little control, when you're going through something like cancer, just being able to be like, I can control what I choose to dwell on or like how I'm going to orient my thoughts. I think that could be a helpful tool. I see, like you said, as long as you don't make it too punishing or like you maybe don't want to pick the word like achiever or like, you know what I mean? Like a word like rest, peace, growth. Right. And even with growth, like, okay, yeah, you don't want the cancer to grow, but like, you want to grow through this experience. Like, I think that there's grace-filled ways that you could set an intention for yourself. Much better for you than trying to, like, pick up an exercise routine you know you won't be doing in February anyway. I actually like to look backward in January, too. I have a journaling practice and I'll link to this in the show notes. It's called The Next Right Thing Guided Journal. There's a podcast and a book, but then this is like the journal that you can use, and it starts any time of the year. I actually do mine from like September to September, but it's just like a little reflection tool and then encourages you each season to kind of look back at what you sort of set out as goals and how things have been going. And it's not super bossy, but like just enough prompts for me to have something to look back on and reflect. And it's all about, I mean, it's called The Next Right Thing. So it's all about just like, little steps at a time. I think she even calls them like, arrows. Like, is there an arrow showing up, pointing you in the next direction? Like, not a five year plan, like a thought for your next step forward. So I often think the new year is a time where we're like, clean out the old and bring in the new. And it's like, I also like to sit there and be like, okay, what worked for me last year? What do I want to carry forward? What am I proud of? How did I grow? And then, sure, you can also be like, what didn't work for me? Like what needs to change? But I think both are important. And if you're going through something hard, sitting there and thinking through “Wow, like, look at what I went through, I should be proud of myself.” Or like, yeah. You know, I grew this way or I handled a lot of stuff, and that was hard. Like acknowledging what you went through is super important before you get all into, like, decluttering your house or your body or whatever.
Ella 21:15
I think what you were saying about the importance of looking back and wanting to look back made me think about how I spent a lot of time, especially pretty early on in my diagnosis, but later down the road, too, like looking back at my life before cancer and like the person that I was before, you know, everything happened and I wanted to go back to that time. But I think, you know, the further down the road that I got, like, I was able to see too the ways, like you were saying, how you grow through the things that you go through. That sounds so cheesy to say, but it is true. And I think, you know, I could see the ways that I had grown as a person and in the ways that, even though I think at times, didn't even recognize myself or felt like a stranger in my own body, like that kind of goes back to the - the body image piece of it. But there's definitely times along the way that, like, you don't even know who the heck you are anymore. But I think it is important to kind of not dwell on the person that you were before and like, wanting to go back to that, because it is important to to see who you are now in light of everything and maybe ways that you can move forward in a helpful way.
Kayla 22:47
Yeah, I remember just feeling the first time you had cancer, like, I can't wait to get back to normal. And we all kind of tried to do that. And I think we learned the hard way that that's just not possible. You have to integrate your experience into your life, or you're just going to have a lot of mental health dissonance and like, issues. So it's like we were saying, like, look at what worked, what didn't work. Acknowledge your growth. Acknowledge where you still need to grow. But don't be like, this is the year I'm gonna get back to normal, because that's just not available, unfortunately, in cancer situations. And I hate to just say it like that, but I just think it's true. You're never gonna go back to the “before times.” Kind of how like there was a before-COVID, and now we're kind of figuring out what life is like now. It's like a big thing that kind of divides your life into a before and after, and you're just going to be spinning your wheels if you're trying to recreate something from the past. So. Well, thank you all for thinking this through with us today. I hope that some of it resonated with you. We'd love to hear your thoughts, especially if you have helpful New Year practices that are a little bit less punishing and perhaps more grace-filled or, you know, can hold two truths at once. We love that kind of stuff. So let us know in the comments on Instagram. Or we actually - you can comment on our website as well. Next week, we're going to be doing a deep dive on social media, and considering that we're still in the winter, the isolation phase of cancer, that's sort of what we're focusing on right now. I think social media is a blessing and a curse as people are stuck, you know, alone at home or whatever in the hospital. So we're going to kind of unpack Ella's experience with that. The good, the bad and the ugly, and maybe make some recommendations or warnings about the good and the bad. I don't think it's one or the other. So we'll see you next week. And until then, we hope you have the best week available to you.