Episode 36: How to Show Up
Today’s episode is short but sweet, packed with lots of advice on how to show up for your people when someone can’t be there in person. Although we all may think we are pros at this post-COVID, there is a difference between the way things worked when we were “all in this together” and the way it feels to be the “only one” stuck at home.
SHOW NOTES
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Sources and Further Reading:
You can reach out to us here if you want to share a story, feedback, or potentially come on the show as a guest
Check out the episode “When Everyone Forgets” for a related exploration of feeling forgotten during isolation
Zoom someone into a bridal shower, birthday party, etc
“Sassy” get well section on Etsy - cute gift boxes they’ll ship for you
“Funny cancer card” section on Etsy - heads up for adult language
TRANSCRIPT
Kayla 0:09
You're listening to the My Sister’s Cancer podcast. I'm Kayla Crum, registered nurse and writer.
Ella 0:15
And I'm Ella Beckett, social worker and cancer survivor.
Kayla 0:20
We're sisters on a mission to care for the cancer community through the sharing of real life stories, a sprinkle of sass, and lots of support.
Ella 0:28
Join us in a new kind of pity party. It's a pity so many of us carry the heavy burden of cancer alone. So let's make it a party and carry it together.
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Ella 0:42
Welcome back to the My Sister's Cancer podcast. We're so glad that you're here. This is your co-host Ella, here as always with my sister Kayla. On today's episode, we're going to be talking about how to show up virtually. So the past few weeks we have had some heavier episodes and we've been discussing some deeper topics. So we thought that today we could kind of shift gears a little bit and keep things a little lighter, shorter and sweeter as we talk about some ways that people did show up for me and for our family when I had to be isolated from other people. So I guess one of the overarching themes that I just kind of want to lay as groundwork for this episode is that from my experience, in my perspective, I just don't think that you can overdo trying to make sure people know that you care for them. There are never enough words or actions or deeds, I guess. I guess what I'm trying to say is that even if you think about someone every single day, that person doesn't know that unless you tell them. So I think it's really important to try to find different ways to communicate to the people in your life that if you are thinking about them or you are praying for them in a season of whatever they're struggling through, or even just in general life and juggling of the daily tasks, I think it's really important that we let those people know that. So we just kind of wanted to talk through some ways that people showed up for us, even from afar. Kayla, what first comes to mind for you when thinking about ways that people can show up for other people virtually?
Kayla 2:34
I think that the easiest way and yet, because it's so easy, we discount it, is just texting. You see, I think we mentioned this on our “When People Forget” episode, but just shooting off a text can make a huge difference. I talked about on that episode how you can even set reminders like once a week, once a month, every day, depending on your relationship to the person, to reach out and let them know that you're thinking of them or checking in with them. There was a person in our life who texted our mom every day, just like the praying hands emoji, because literally every day this person prayed for our family and, you know, didn't even need to say words or like, write out a prayer. But to know that someone actually was following through because, yeah, I'm as guilty of this as the next person. We say, like, “I'm praying for you,” you know? And it's like, are you? And we could again go down a theological rabbit hole about like, what does prayer mean? And what are we asking for? But we won't go there today. Today I'm just saying the fact that this person every day truly did pray for us and then let us know that was really meaningful. So never discount the power of: if you think of someone just like text them, it takes like two seconds just to be like, “Thought of you, heart emoji.” Like it doesn't even need to be like, “How are you? Or what can I do?” Or like all these things. You can literally, I mean, just send like a, like a meme or a gif, like something, you know what I mean? So I guess that's the first one that comes to mind for me. What about you? Anything jump to mind first for you?
Ella 4:17
Yeah, I totally agree with the texting thing. I mean, I think I said that on previous episodes too, but like, that was really big for me, right? Like when someone would text me, I love what you just said. Like literally just “thinking of you.” It can be that simple. Like, that means so much to the person that's going through something. It just - it makes you feel seen and loved and all that good stuff, even from afar, when you're not able to see people. I think another one, and this might sound, I don't know the word for it, but who doesn't love a surprise gift, right? Like there were people that either dropped off like a care package, and I think we've touched on that before. Or random things would just show up from Amazon and it would make my entire day. Right. Like if you're like, oh, so-and-so might really like this or want this or need this, like just send it to him in the mail. And like you can write the little note with the gift or just leave it up to surprise. Like, you know, there are a few things that I was like, I have no idea who got this for me, but I love this. Like, thank you so much. There were people who would like, send DoorDash or, you know, different things like that that just show up at your door. And again, it's just like, we thought of you so much to send this to you. And that just means the world to know that people are thinking about you and about the things that you like and things that might spark joy in your day.
Kayla 5:47
For sure. Especially because we're talking about the isolation season, you might be able to eat more of your favorite foods again, or for people listening who aren't necessarily in a cancer situation, but some sort of other isolation. Yeah, like Crumbl cookies. Those have been sent to us by very dear people. And I'll link to that in the show notes, in case you have not heard of them, because they are so delicious. But there's all kinds of restaurants like that now, and it's so easy to send it right to people's doorstep. And you don't even have to, like, necessarily give them a heads up, especially here in Michigan when it's cold out, like food will keep on your porch forever. So there's not even like a worry about if someone's not home or whatever. But if someone's in isolation, they're probably home and ready to receive that food or gift or whatever. So if you have a little extra cash or you have more money than time at this point in your life, or at least an equal amount, you know, sometimes it's easier to send that 5 to 10 dollar something than to schedule like a two hour Zoom call. Like, I get that, that doesn't always work. Another thing that came out of COVID for us that I wish in that retrospect we had applied while you were in isolation is including someone in isolation in life events. So like now, I've attended live streamed weddings and I've helped facilitate baby showers and bridal showers and all those kind of like markers and celebrations or even funerals, like things that aren't celebrations but streaming people into that. And so, depending on the size of the gathering, when I have attended a live streamed wedding, I'm just watching. But when I have helped host like showers, sometimes it can be a two-way conversation where you set aside a little time at the beginning or the end of the gathering to connect with that person who can't be there. Now, that can be just from a distance perspective, but it's also great for someone who's in a season of isolation where they can't gather safely for whatever reason. And yeah, now there's so many tools to do that with, and I just think that it's super meaningful, even if it's ten minutes at the beginning of the baby shower, if you get to speak to like your cousin or whoever you wish you could be there for, that's really cool. If whoever's throwing the party, like, thinks of that and kind of plans that.
Ella 8:11
Yeah, I feel like COVID definitely helped us learn better how to show up for people virtually, because we were all trying to support each other virtually and stay in each other's lives. Um, because I think of like during that time, right. Like everyone was doing like virtual happy hours and like, Zooming your family that all lives wherever. And I mean, I think some people were even, like watching movies together over Zoom or whatever. So I think those are all great options and tools to remember, too, of ways to stay connected with someone that's potentially stuck at home.
Kayla 8:49
Yeah, I haven't done this myself, but when you said that about movies, it reminded me that some people will, like, cook the same thing together on Zoom. Like you both, you know, long distance, have the ingredients and like, try a new recipe together and then eat together. So it's like, kind of like you're hanging out and eating together in person, you know, it's the closest thing. And I know that some platforms for the movie piece actually have a like start in unison type thing where you can actually, like, it's probably available on most streaming platforms, I'm not sure, but I have seen that button where it's like you can, you know, sign in together and literally watch it at the same time. So like you said, lots of innovations, but throwing it way back snail mail is wonderful too, like you said about Amazon deliveries. But handwritten notes will never go out of style in my opinion. Like I love finding the quirky or like sassy cards. You know, cards can be so, especially if somebody has gone through like sickness. You can get so many cards that are like: they have butterflies and flowers and Bible verses and those are very nice. But I always love to also find the ones that are like, like a little bit sassy or spicy. Yeah, there was one I got one time that said, like when life gives you lemons and then it like changed the saying into something sassy and I can't think of how it ended. But yeah, I just it's fun to give, like a surprising card or a funny card or… Yeah, just write your own letter as if you had a pen pal, like back in the day in school. I think that that's something that is not done often enough these days. And yeah, it takes a little more coordination to like, find a stamp and get their address and write it yourself. But that means a lot.
Ella 10:40
Yeah. I had one friend in particular that was so diligent about sending me actual physical snail mail, like little postcards or just little letters, and that made me feel very well-loved during that time. And it I mean, it continued for a while after isolation, too.
Kayla 10:58
Aw, that's cool, because as we've said many times, it doesn't all just go back to normal once you're allowed to be out in the world, or once you're a survivor or whatever. So I just want to add a plug here too, for sending the things we've been mentioning, like cookies or cards to family members and siblings, not just the person in isolation or with cancer. Obviously I'm biased because I was the sibling, so I'm not just trying to say “send me presents too” you know, like when you're a kid at your sibling’s birthday party. But I will say, I remember Ella had like a basket full of cards and I think I got, you know, maybe 20, like the whole 2 to 3 year experience of her cancer. I had like 1 or 2 people I can remember who were pretty faithful and sent them every so often. So I guess I'm just putting a plug out there for sending things to the family, even if and especially if they live somewhere else. I lived about an hour away from my sister, which was hard. So if someone is driving to see someone with cancer, you know, even more than an hour, gas gift cards are a great idea to put in a card and send to someone. Or I have sent flowers before. When someone was in the hospital, I sent flowers to the people left at home because that's really tough too, to be home holding down the fort, so to speak, and knowing your loved one is in the hospital. So that's another creative way to kind of support the supporters, so to speak. So this is an unusually short episode for us, but we know that, as Ella said at the beginning, we've been pretty lengthy and heavy lately, and so we wanted to have an episode dedicated to positive ideas and ways to connect, um, because we were blessed by a lot of those, uh, ways that people reached out to us. And we try to turn that around and still sometimes fail, but try to remind each other and ourselves to reach out in these numerous ways we have in the modern world. So we just thought we'd give you a little advice episode in a way. Today and next week we get to celebrate Ella's birthday. So if you feel like you just heard that before, that's because that was her re-birthday; in December we celebrated Ella's transplantaversary. Uh, so she's six years old in transplant years, but she will be 26 years old in birth years. So we’re going to be kind of talking about the significance of birthdays and aging and all that good stuff next week on the podcast. So we will see you then.