Episode 37: Happy Birthday, Ella!
Ella turns 26 next week! To celebrate, the sisters are discussing the bittersweet significance of birthdays after a cancer diagnosis, and unpacking our culture’s attitude toward aging in general.
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Related episode: Transplantaversary (Ella’s re-birthday)
Instagram account @imthirtyaf for solidarity around being 28-33ish
“The Golden Girls” TV show
Quote about gray hair and wisdom on a t-shirt
Full quote from C.S. Lewis on trying to maintain youth: “She wasted all her school time wanting to be the age she is now, and she'll waste all the rest of her life trying to stay that age. Her whole idea is to race on to the silliest time of one's life as quick as she can and then stop there as long as she can.” ― C.S. Lewis, The Last Battle
Photographs of older people seeing their younger selves in the mirror
TRANSCRIPT
Kayla 0:09
You're listening to the My Sister’s Cancer podcast. I'm Kayla Crum, registered nurse and writer.
Ella 0:15
And I'm Ella Beckett, social worker and cancer survivor.
Kayla 0:20
We're sisters on a mission to care for the cancer community through the sharing of real life stories, a sprinkle of sass, and lots of support.
Ella 0:28
Join us in a new kind of pity party. It's a pity so many of us carry the heavy burden of cancer alone. So let's make it a party and carry it together.
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Kayla 0:42
Welcome back to the My Sister's Cancer podcast. I'm your co-host, Kayla Crum, here with birthday girl Ella Beckett, my sister. This episode is dropping on February 22nd, and in four days on February 26th, she will turn 26, her golden birthday. So that's the focus of today's episode. We're going to kind of talk about birthdays. Obviously, we generally think of those as a positive thing, but kind of the weight of birthdays after you've gone through a life-threatening illness and also talk about our society's attitude toward aging. So that's where we're going today. And we thought that a good place to open would be this short essay I wrote a couple of years ago. This was when I was first sort of coming out of the intense cancer season. I would say Ella was in remission, but we still were mentally kind of figuring out what life after was going to look like. And I went with her and some of her friends out to a restaurant for her birthday. And when I came home, I wrote this mini essay just reflecting on birthdays in general. So I'll start with that and then we'll discuss. So here it is:
“Every time someone complains about getting older around their birthday, I want to scream. Birthdays are a gift, you spoiled brat. Clearly, you’ve never had to question if you're going to get another one.
Perhaps I feel so strongly because as I write this, my baby sister turned twenty-five just yesterday. Although it’s only February, I can tell that's going to be my most favorite gift of the year. Because she's here.
And not just "on this planet” here - she is here here in the messy beauty of real life. Drinking margaritas and wearing hipster clothes and telling stories that make me look bad and just generally making me love her. She's here. Happy birthday, Ella Rae.”
So I think that last part was mostly about how we were freshly out of the season of isolation, which is what we're covering right now on the podcast. She was here, so to speak, for so long, but isolated and physically so weak. And so I think that that birthday dinner was such a wonderful experience and also kind of got me riled just thinking about how people talk about birthdays. But because she was not only alive, but actually out in the world, like eating chips and guac and being able to be with people. So how does that hit you, Ella? I don't know, had you seen this essay before I shared it today with you?
Ella 3:29
Yeah, I think you have shared this one with me before in the past. Yeah. I just think birthdays in general are like kind of weird, especially for people who don't love, like, being the center of attention or, you know, that kind of energy. Like, I hear a lot of people say, like, I love other people's birthdays, but I just don't love my birthday. But then there's the people on the other side of the spectrum that are like “birthday month” and like the whole month is dedicated to celebrating. I have respect for both sides of the spectrum, by the way. But I just think then, like you were saying, when you get hit in the face with a cancer diagnosis, it's like, obviously birthdays just take on a whole new meaning. It can add a weight to birthdays that can sometimes be kind of hard to carry too.
Kayla 4:21
Yeah, definitely. I will just come out as one of those people who is like a birthday month person. So I've heard that I'm a Leo. I don't know anything about like, astrology, but I'm an August baby and I've been told I'm a Leo and that's big Leo energy to have like a birthday month mentality. So whatever. But I feel that. I would love, like, a surprise party, for anyone listening, I'm open to like a big surprise party in the future. Like I'm just - I had a giant princess party when I turned six. That was like probably my best party ever. But yeah, I know not everybody loves, like you said, being the center of attention. I also think that I like reflecting, as I get older, on like the year past and the year to come. Sort of like your own mini New Year’s, you know, without all the holiday hangover and like fitness pressure that comes with the actual New Year's. So I've always liked kind of marking the years too. But like you said, it is heavier to think about birthdays after you come close to death. I mean, you didn't have any near-death experiences, but transplant always leaves death as an option on the table because of what they do to your body. And so you really start thinking about mortality and stuff. Did you ever have a time where you were like, “Am I gonna see another birthday?” Or was that not really something that haunted you?
Ella 05:53
I don't know about, like that concise of a thought or that blunt of a thought, but I definitely, I mean, I think we talked about this on the one where we talked a lot more about, like, death and mortality and stuff. But yeah, of course, like those abstract ideas cross your mind, right? Of like, oh my gosh, I'm 18, 19, 20, whatever. You know, wherever I was in the process. And it's like, oh my gosh, what if I don't even get to like grow up or be an adult? Like it's just a really weird, hard thing to wrestle with at that young of an age.
Kayla 6:30
Yeah, I can't remember where I probably read this or heard this. I feel like it was in a book, but like a teenager with an illness who was like, am I gonna die a virgin? Or like, am I going to die before I ever drink alcohol? Like, you just have those, like, adult markers and then like, when that gets called into question, you're like, all the things that I want to do - just normal life things you want to experience. When your birthday comes around now, like, I mean, it's coming up as we're recording pretty soon. How does that feel? Do you look forward to it now or like, what's your experience like after going through that?
Ella 07:08
Great question. I feel like I still carry some of that weight of the birthday with me. Like, of course I'm excited for my birthday because yeah, birthdays are a happy celebration, right? Of life and living. But I still think there's that, like, realization. I guess you could say that you don't… You never know if you're gonna have another birthday. Like that sounds so blunt and crass to say, but it's true. And it's like, again, all these things sound so cliche when you say them out loud, but you never know if you're going to get tomorrow, let alone a whole nother year to live. So it's… I would still say it's a mixed bag, mostly excitement and joy and happiness and positive emotions, but I think birthdays will always be just like a little bit… bittered, if that makes sense.
Kayla 8:05
Hmm. It's interesting because on the one hand, it's like your birthday is actually now more of a reason to celebrate, right? Because your life was threatened. And yet it has a bittersweet element because your life was threatened. It's like for the same reason.
Ella 8:23
Exactly. Yeah. It's like we know how short life is. And, you know, unfortunately, like I've said before, too, it's like I've seen friends of mine whose lives have been cut way too short. Right? And they haven't seen another birthday. And so it's like all those feelings just kind of all tangled up together. And not to drag other people's feelings into it, too. But I think another element here is like how other people react to my birthday too, right? Like, I think there's added emotional baggage, both positively and negatively, around the fact that I'm turning another year older, you know, because it's like we almost lost Ella multiple times. So it's like my birthday is just like, yeah, it's a reminder of that in some ways, if that makes sense.
Kayla 9:15
Extra emotional for like parents and grandparents and all the people who love you. But then I can see how maybe for you, that's kind of a lot to carry too. Whereas sometimes it's like, can we just eat cake? But you want to honor that, too. It's - it's hard for sure to thread the needle of the - the light and the heavy. You're young. I mean, you're turning 26. Have you, among your friend group or in, like, chatter on social media of people your age, is there any, like, fear of aging already happening? I just say that as someone who's almost 29, I'll be 29 this year. And so I will say among my friends, there's a little bit of this like, oh my gosh, we're almost 30. Like 30 is kind of a big, you know, the first hill, so to speak. But I just wondered if that's creeping in at all for you or not yet, since you're still mid-twenties.
Ella 10:19
Probably not as much as you or as other people who are a little older than me. I think once I hit like 25, that narrative kind of started a little bit; like of some of my friends being like, oh my gosh. But I think what really struck me in your essay was the line like, “birthdays are a gift, you spoiled brat.” Like, it's so true. And even if I haven't necessarily heard it within like my peers or my friends or like the groups that I'm running in, I think the bigger message from society is like, uh, aging and getting older and like, it's definitely framed as, like a negative thing. And yeah, I'm with you. Like, I just want to shake my fist at those people and be like, getting old is such a gift. Like, we don't view it that way enough.
Kayla 11:13
Um, yeah. Obviously I was feeling some kind of way when I was, like, writing that, “you spoiled brat.” I don't think I had a certain person in mind, but you're right. Like the - the cultural messaging around aging, particularly for women, I think is negative. And I mean, I think just growing up, you just hear people gripe about getting older and it's hard because I want to honor everyone's reality. And like, getting older is no joke. Our grandpa had a mug that used to say, “getting old is pigeon poop” and like, yeah, your body starts to fall apart. There was a little poem on his mug about how you have all these aches and pains and stuff. So I'm not trying to just say it's all great and you should never complain. I’m sure, like, I bet there's a whole podcast out there on, like, the difficulties of aging and like empathy around that. But I think what we're talking about is particularly people who are like under 50 or under 60 and feel like “Ew, I'm another year older, like, can't believe it.” You know, there's a negativity around it, around wrinkles, around our bodies where it's like, uh, it's such a blessing to be here. I do think it's hard to differentiate, like, good-natured joking about aging from maybe like a toxic messaging about aging. Like I follow some accounts on Instagram that are targeted at like 30-year-olds. I see people on there, like, commiserate around or make jokes about how like the college kids are so x, y, z whatever. And just kind of realizing like, oh, that's not us anymore. Like we're so lame and old. You know what I mean? Like, I actually had the experience last fall. I was on a college campus, not the college I went to, but a different one to go to a sporting event. And I just, like, encountered, you know, a sea of college kids and just, like, had it really in my face that I'm not cool anymore. And like, I'm not a college kid anymore. They don't dress like me. They don't talk like me. Their hair's not like mine. Like just sort of reality was like, you are no longer the youth in America. Like you're solidly in that next phase. And I knew that on some level. But being confronted with it, like times a hundred, was just kind of a little like, oh, yeah, you're very much not that anymore. And my husband has a brother who's ten years younger, so he often reminds me of that, too. Not in like a mean way, but I'm just like, oh, wow. Like I'm not 19 or 20, so I, I want to like, leave space for like, jokes around that kind of stuff. I do think people struggle to ever feel like a grownup. Like, I think that we think we'll finally feel like real adults, but you, you get older and you realize, like, your parents just figured it out, just like everybody is just figuring it out. And so there's some sort of like group coping or like identifying that's happening when we kind of joke about that and put ourselves in these different generations. But at the same time, it can like, cross that blurry line into, like “Ugh, like I can't believe we're old.” I don't know, what do you think about that?
Ella 14:32
No, I totally agree with that. Um, there's an account. It's like @imthirtyaf or something like that, and like, I'm not 30 yet, but I resonate with a lot of the memes that they post. I don't want people listening to me like, “These girls are just completely dismissing humor in general, like they shouldn't take everything so seriously,” you know? So I appreciate you making that point because, yeah, we're not trying to be serious or cynical. You know, like we understand that there's a space for humor. It's just like when it crosses that line or there is a point where it's like, it's not funny.
Kayla 15:14
As you're talking, though, I'm trying to, like, pin down what makes stuff not funny about aging, you know? And I keep coming back to, like, our bodies. Like, I really do think that that's what bothers me, particularly for women and appearance. Like I think in the media, like that's what starts to get to me like this expectation to, like, stay wrinkle-free and toned and tan and on and on and on into, I mean, geez, now I feel like it's your 60s. Like I - when I was preparing for this episode, I looked up “The Golden Girls” because they have, I think of as like the classic granny hairstyles, like, you know, they get their hair set or whatever, and it's white or gray. I would say most people in my life growing up who were of a grandparent generation sort of had that hairstyle, but they were like in their 50s and 60s when they made that show, you know? And like now our mom is in her mid-50s and that's not her appearance at all. And I'm not saying that to like make a comment one way or the other on like their style choices. I just think it's sort of a result of like culture. It keeps extending the finish line for women to be able to like, give in to aging. Like women don't seem to go gray as soon as they did 30 years ago. Or you don't give in and just, like, wear glasses or like, embrace your wrinkles or whatever. It's like the finish line keeps moving to where now women in their 60s, like until you're 70, you kind of are supposed to still look pretty decent and like, not have gray hair, which is crazy. A lot of people gray in their 40s. And like, there seems to be a bit of a pass for men, especially with the gray hair thing. Like, that seems to be more okay. Like you look at like George Clooney. I mean, he wears it well, I'll give him that. But it's like, I don't know, I just - there's that double standard as there always is for women.
Ella 17:16
Well, and I think one of the underlying things like as you're talking, what this makes me think of is that like, especially for women, what that narrative is saying is that, like, we should hide our age and like conceal, you know, how old we actually are and even jokes sometimes, right? Like people won't actually tell you their real age because they're like, “Oh, I'm deciding I'm this old” or whatever. Like I think that's the underlying message is like, conceal it and don't, you know, don't show your cards, so to speak, where really, as we've been saying, like, age should be such a gift, right? And there's like, I think Mom and Dad have a magnet on their fridge that says something about like, “Gray hair is a small price to pay for all this accumulated wisdom” or something like that. And I think that's so true. Right. Like as we go through life, obviously we accumulate wisdom and so many other things, but it's like then what? We're supposed to just hide all of that and hide how old we really are. And it's seen almost as like a weakness too, which is really interesting to me.
Kayla 18:26
Yeah. I am reminded when you said that of actually like a C.S. Lewis quote. I read Narnia a lot as a kid, the whole seven book series, and he talks about it sort of just 1 or 2 sentences, because obviously this isn't his main focus, but how one of the characters spent her whole life trying to get a certain age, and she'll spend the rest of her life trying to stay there. And I feel like that's so true for women. It's like for a while you're like, too young. And for some girls you try to, you know, get sexy or like older, you know, when you're a teenager or whatever. I don't know if it's like 15 to 25, is that like, where we're trying to stay for the rest of our lives? Like, that's ridiculous. But it does seem like you like, hurry up and get there. And it's like, freeze it, stay there. And like you said, like, hide all the accumulated life milestones and wisdom. And when you're talking about wisdom, too, it reminded me of how we also just don't seem to revere the elderly in the United States in the way that other cultures sometimes do. Or even that we did a few generations ago. I think, like in other cultures, like multigenerational households are a lot more common, or there's more like respect for just even elderly strangers in some other cultures. And in the US, we kind of just like, don't want to see old people, you know, it's like we put them in nursing homes. And I'm not here to say, like, everyone should just keep their parents at their house until they die. Like, that is not what I'm saying. But I just think we've kind of eliminated all the other options or made sort of hiding away old people our way of life here. And I don't love that. I think it's easy to homogenize old people as like one thing when like they're just as complicated, if not more than each of us because they've lived like three times as long. I love that project that shows like old people looking in a mirror, and it shows their young self looking back. And then there's usually like a caption about like, you know, they fought in World War two or like they were a dancer in Las Vegas or like, you know, like they have these winding life stories just like the rest of us. And we just tend to like, see them all as one flat thing.
Ella 20:45
I think that's so true. And I also think a lot of times they don't have as much of a say in like society or culture too. I don't know, I feel like what you were saying about like respecting your elders and like - I think part of that is having a space for them at the table; be a part of the conversation. I just feel like there's so many decisions and policies that are made and things that like directly impact them, but they have no say in. Do you know what I mean? Or like just bigger conversations in society? I just think we're so quick to like, dismiss them or their opinions when really they should be the people we're looking to because they have the most life experience.
Kayla 21:32
Yeah, I hear that. And then I also look at the age of Congress and the age of our leaders and think like, don't hear us, you know, and think we love that. I think that you can swing too far the other way. I think the key is like collaboration, intergenerational. If we had more understanding or listening going on among generations. I recently had to write a piece for work on, like, multigenerational workplaces. So how, for the first time in American history, five generations are in the workplace because some of the Silent generation is still working and Gen Z is now entering the workforce. And then you have boomers, Gen X and millennials in between. And so that's a lot of contrasting worldviews to kind of handle in a workplace setting. Totally. And I think it can be an asset. If like leadership, if management of your workplace knows how to sort of utilize it or hear from everyone. But sometimes we're stuck in our own generational biases and not willing to learn from each other.
Ella 22:45
Well, thanks so much for hanging with us today and pondering birthdays and aging and the good and the bad of all of it, as we always do. Next week we're really looking forward to Leap Day because we are releasing our guest episode. So we were honored to speak with two different guests that we will get to share parts of their story with all of you, and we're just really looking forward to you all getting to hear from them. So until then, have the best week available to you.